…like they pampered you when you were small.
Perhaps it’s just because I have had a child (well, to be fair, my wife did that bit...), but I have been thinking a lot lately about how glad I am that I decided to live with my mother-in-law after I got married.
Perhaps it’s just because I have had a child (well, to be fair, my wife did that bit...), but I have been thinking a lot lately about how glad I am that I decided to live with my mother-in-law after I got married.
Yes, you did read that right! A few years ago, a short time after I got married, I decided to share my house with my wife’s mother. And I am absolutely happy with that arrangement. She is a kind-hearted, knowledgeable, and intelligent woman with a great sense of humour and, get this, she actually makes my life more fulfilling and a whole lot easier that if my wife and I were living alone. On top of all this, she is Thai, and I, of course, am English. Apparently (well, according to my friends, at least), this is a particularly unusual situation (in England, but certainly not in Thailand), especially given the huge cultural divide, and I’m not quite sure that they actually believe me when I say that I prefer it this way!
If you’d have asked me a few years ago whether I thought I could even entertain the notion of living with my other half’s family, I'd have laughed uncontrollably – not that it would be a particularly funny thing to say, but because I would immediately and unconsciously reflect a set of values that have been ingrained into my culture for generations: independence is the ultimate goal, and can only be attained by severing various ties with the family. This is a real shame, as a loving family is the most important thing that we can ever have in our lives – why be so eager to distance ourselves from it?
I’d like to separate this topic into two brief sections:
One: the unnaturalness, in an anthoropological sense, of this type of 'independent division';
Two: why it is important to do the very best by your parents, even if you think that they haven’t done the very best by you.
TO BE (in the same house) OR NOT TO BE
One:
If you think abut it in terms of the entirety of human existence, even, perhaps, as far back as when we climbed down from the trees and took our first steps on land in North Eastern Africa, the idea of the kinship group – the family – has been coded deeply into our DNA. So, why is it that in so many parts of the world now, ‘independence’ means splitting away from the family and living in a much smaller unit, perhaps with a girlfriend, wife, friend, or perhaps even alone. Is it not possible to be independent and still remain close by your family, even if not in the very same house? Of course it is. Independence is a frame of mind, not a physical location.
However, there are various reasons why people choose not to continue living with their family, and these reasons are absolutely valid. But what is not valid is the argument that because they have done somehting bad to me, I will do something bad to them - an eye for an eye, so to speak; this brings me on to my next point.
Two:
My mother was extremely ill when I was a young teenager and my father cared for her wonderfully. Unfortunately, rather than following his good example (and example which he continued to this day by caring so well for me, despite the fact that I am in my thirties), I feel that I didn’t really do my fair share of caring. Perhaps I was too young, perhaps I was too selfish, I am not too sure. But one thing that I do know is that I was given a second chance to take care of someone quite elderly when I met my wife (my wife’s mother is elderly of course, not my wife! ) and I seized the chance, hence my current situation. Now, my wife’s mother is currently very spritely, but there will come a time when she is not, when she will need due care and attention, and that is the time when I can have a chance mirror my father’s excellent efforts, and I am resolute that I will do so to the very best of my ability.
PAYBACK!
Taking care of your parents (or your wife’s parents, who are now, by default, your parents and should be thought of and treated as such) regardless of what they have said or done to you, is the most important thing that you can ever do. And it is never too late to start.
Without them you would never have been born; simple. They cared for you 24 hours a day when you were a baby and probably continued sacrificing their lives for you for a considerable amount of time after that – perhaps even until the present time. You owe them, and it’s payback time (in a good way, of course)!
Lastly, even if you have distanced yourself from your parents because of something that they have done, it is not too late to make up. Even if you cannot forget what they did, you can forgive them. After all, your actions reflect who you are as a person, so why let the negative actions of others, even you family, affect who you are as a person? If they want to act in a negative way towards you, then so be it, but you don’t have to follow suit. In short, you can do the right thing, even if they are doing the wrong. Taking care of your parents and loving your family are the very best things that you can do in this life, and they are the most important.
I’d like to separate this topic into two brief sections:
One: the unnaturalness, in an anthoropological sense, of this type of 'independent division';
Two: why it is important to do the very best by your parents, even if you think that they haven’t done the very best by you.
TO BE (in the same house) OR NOT TO BE
One:
If you think abut it in terms of the entirety of human existence, even, perhaps, as far back as when we climbed down from the trees and took our first steps on land in North Eastern Africa, the idea of the kinship group – the family – has been coded deeply into our DNA. So, why is it that in so many parts of the world now, ‘independence’ means splitting away from the family and living in a much smaller unit, perhaps with a girlfriend, wife, friend, or perhaps even alone. Is it not possible to be independent and still remain close by your family, even if not in the very same house? Of course it is. Independence is a frame of mind, not a physical location.
However, there are various reasons why people choose not to continue living with their family, and these reasons are absolutely valid. But what is not valid is the argument that because they have done somehting bad to me, I will do something bad to them - an eye for an eye, so to speak; this brings me on to my next point.
Two:
My mother was extremely ill when I was a young teenager and my father cared for her wonderfully. Unfortunately, rather than following his good example (and example which he continued to this day by caring so well for me, despite the fact that I am in my thirties), I feel that I didn’t really do my fair share of caring. Perhaps I was too young, perhaps I was too selfish, I am not too sure. But one thing that I do know is that I was given a second chance to take care of someone quite elderly when I met my wife (my wife’s mother is elderly of course, not my wife! ) and I seized the chance, hence my current situation. Now, my wife’s mother is currently very spritely, but there will come a time when she is not, when she will need due care and attention, and that is the time when I can have a chance mirror my father’s excellent efforts, and I am resolute that I will do so to the very best of my ability.
PAYBACK!
Taking care of your parents (or your wife’s parents, who are now, by default, your parents and should be thought of and treated as such) regardless of what they have said or done to you, is the most important thing that you can ever do. And it is never too late to start.
Without them you would never have been born; simple. They cared for you 24 hours a day when you were a baby and probably continued sacrificing their lives for you for a considerable amount of time after that – perhaps even until the present time. You owe them, and it’s payback time (in a good way, of course)!
Lastly, even if you have distanced yourself from your parents because of something that they have done, it is not too late to make up. Even if you cannot forget what they did, you can forgive them. After all, your actions reflect who you are as a person, so why let the negative actions of others, even you family, affect who you are as a person? If they want to act in a negative way towards you, then so be it, but you don’t have to follow suit. In short, you can do the right thing, even if they are doing the wrong. Taking care of your parents and loving your family are the very best things that you can do in this life, and they are the most important.
JUST DO IT
So, if haven’t started doing so already, then pamper you parents! If you haven’t called your dad in a while, then after reading this post (and you’ll be glad to know it’s nearly finished…) pick up the dog and bone and tell him how you are thinking of him, how you miss him, or just say thank you for all that he has ever done for you; or send your mum a bunch of flowers for no reason, or just tell her that you love her...
An immediate reaction to my advice above may be, ‘Well, alright, I get your point, but the whole flowers and I love you thing is a bit over the top isn’t it?’
Well, think again: is it?
What next?
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